The first pregnancy is a serious test for a married couple, even if they have long wanted to have a baby and are ready for it. The future mother changes her behavior, character, perception of the world around her, new desires and habits are born that frighten her spouse. A gentle, compliant and restrained in emotions, a spouse can suddenly turn into an eccentric and aggressive, and an independent and previously independent one suddenly becomes pliable, soft, in need of constant protection, and at times a whiny person. Representatives of the stronger sex never experience similar transformations, so they do not know how to be and often perceive them as quirks.
Conversations with young dads who have recently gone through this cannot provide impartial and absolute information about this.
Signs of a crisis in family life
A real family is a small world with its own secrets, riddles and peculiarities. Therefore, perhaps no psychologist is able to distinguish a clear line indicating that a crisis in the relationship has nevertheless come.
But there are several main signs that are observed in most families in this situation:
- The number of quarrels, especially domestic ones, increases significantly. Even water spilled on the floor or burnt scrambled eggs can be a reason for disagreement;
- Both spouses became withdrawn, they ceased to explain themselves in their experiences and to be interested in each other’s emotional state;
- There is no sex drive, as a rule, in a woman. The man does not consider it necessary to reckon with the woman’s desire and requires attention. In general, intimate relationships have lost their richness;
- All conversations between the spouses began to concern only problems related to the child. There is a feeling that all other topics for communication are simply exhausted;
- There was a clear division of responsibilities. For example, a woman is only caring for a child, and a man is only engaged in earning money;
- Family members do not find an “outlet” at home. This manifests itself in a forced escape from domestic problems. Someone compensates for the lack of attention by communicating with friends, someone is fond of computer games, someone – social networks.
Pregnancy and the crisis of family life
It happens that the time of pregnancy coincides with the onset of a crisis in family relationships. It doesn’t matter which of these events came first. In any case, this time is a real test for the family. Let’s consider in order each of the situations and methods for solving the problem:
An unscheduled pregnancy occurred during a crisis in a relationship. Pregnancy can occur during a pre-existing family crisis. Moreover, conception often occurs after the birth of the first child, which became the reason for the cooled relations between spouses.
I would like to say that difficulties in family understanding are not an obstacle to carrying a baby.
Pregnancy can be perceived by spouses as a gift from above, a reason to better understand each other and realize past mistakes.
Now you have another reason to hold hands tightly and tackle all the difficulties together. Definitely, pregnancy must be saved: nothing happens just like that.
The marriage crisis came during pregnancy. Nothing foreshadowed trouble during pregnancy planning: complete understanding and love reigned in the family, both parents dreamed of a baby. But after a few months from the moment of conception, and maybe immediately after it, little remained of the former idyll.
All the signs indicate that it is a pregnancy crisis that has come. It can be associated with changes in the woman’s hormonal background.
Often, even the most calm and balanced representatives of the fairer sex begin to behave as if they are always dissatisfied with something. A woman becomes capricious, fatigue, irritability and tearfulness increase, and a man simply does not know what to do.
Also, a pregnancy crisis can occur due to material difficulties that now threaten a young family.
I would like to recommend that families who recognize themselves in the situation described above to show as much patience and friendliness as possible towards each other. Try to understand exactly what period of pregnancy the disorder occurred and what caused it. You should not constantly discuss family issues if simple conversations do not lead to agreement.
What to do during a family crisis?
We have prepared some tips to help a couple get through a relationship crisis or avoid it altogether.
- Getting used to the changed behavior and appearance of a loved one is a really important, but difficult task. This is especially evident during pregnancy and the first months after childbirth. A woman is experiencing too much emotional stress, so it is not at all surprising that sometimes she herself does not know what she wants. Learn to reckon with your spouse’s condition and desires. Perhaps soon you will begin to identify the whims of your wife earlier than they will happen.
- Your beloved needs to understand that you are a strong and accomplished man, ready to take responsibility for a now large and strong family. Many women tend to plague themselves with doubts, and especially at such a difficult time. Try to keep up with dignity during these periods. Do not take negative messages seriously, because in fact it is all a simple desire for love and understanding.
- During a period of a strong hormonal surge, a woman cannot always adequately assess her actions. This is a truly natural phenomenon. And if you think your spouse is behaving like a child, don’t stop being an adult.
- Do not get carried away with the role of “earner”. Your responsibility now is not only to work, pay, solve business issues, but also listen and give advice. Dialogue is the best way to resolve any conflict situations.
- Feel the beauty of your position. Do not resist all the natural changes in your body and mind.
- Feel free to be weak. Ask for help or attention if you need it. Talk about your feelings calmly, in simple words, without switching to pure emotions, and your partner will happily listen to you.
- Parental leave is not a reason to lock yourself in and live just waiting for the addition to the family. Take advantage of the free time that appears and get some rest. Your body requires relaxation and positive emotions. If you wish, create an atmosphere of comfort and warmth in the house. If you feel that the time spent within four walls only makes you feel worse, walk more, meet with friends, and make pleasant purchases.
Don’t beat yourself up for taking time for yourself. It will benefit both you and your family relationship.
Expectant mothers do not need to limit themselves in their needs (except for the advice of a doctor). Remember that a woman in a position is not sick. She can do everything that a healthy woman can (of course, except tobacco, alcoholic beverages, drugs and strenuous physical activity, but this is not recommended for a healthy woman). Do not forget that your husband also needs your care and love, and the future baby, not only yours, he is your common.
The birth of a baby is not only a great joy in the family, but also a difficult period. However, one should not assume that this is intolerable work.
Having a baby and feeding him takes a lot of energy from the mother, so the husband should take on most of the housework.
Many spouses believe that a woman sitting with a child at home does not get tired at all, and are perplexed if she did not have time to clean the house, cook dinner, or wash the clothes. This is again the disadvantages of male education.
An effective way to compensate for deficiencies in knowledge is one day, given to caring for a baby without the help of a mother. This is very helpful for slow-witted husbands to understand the complexity of motherhood.
Psychological stress of a woman
The stress of a woman, especially psychological, in the first months after the birth of a child is so great that it can intensify her sleep disorders, weakness, postpartum depression and serious health problems. The spouse should be aware of this and, as far as possible, make life easier for his spouse.
A woman should not look at her spouse as a constant irritant that distracts her from caring for the baby, or as an auxiliary worker in caring for the baby.
For a man, fatherhood is a difficult stress, and if you want your child to have a healthy dad, do not leave your spouse alone with his problems. Get used to being all together: you, him and the baby. Don’t push your spouse away. During this period, he is extremely touchy and fearful. It seems to him that you love him less than a crumb, that you do not need anyone else besides the baby.
Also, sexual abstinence will not benefit the newly-made father. If, according to the testimony of doctors, you are forbidden to resume full sexual relations, then tenderness and affection have not yet brought harm to anyone.
Remember the relationship with your spouse before marriage, affection does not always have to end with sexual intercourse.
There are many different ways to give pleasure to your partner, if you wish. And in order for it to arise for both of you, remember all the time that you are a woman, and only then a mother.